People say failure doesn’t define you, but it sure as hell breaks you down to a point where going down on your knees seems a lot easier than getting up for a fight. And failure is at its maximum when you add a little darkness and self-pity to spice things up a bit. You wish that talking it all out could’ve solved the problems, and every time he asked you to close your eyes and sleep, you would have gladly said yes but instead, you hum, feeling alone, now more than ever.
Do you feel like everything around you is dark, everyone you talk to keeps pushing you away in ways that don’t exist? Do you feel like you are the reason for everyone’s laugh; it is as if your mere existence gives them a reason to make fun of you, but somehow you feel that it just makes you more desirable, but it’s still unhealthy-isn’t it? Do you feel like this negativity is growing bigger and bigger with each failure, eating up your interest in doing the simplest things you once enjoyed? Do you feel like you don’t wish to do anything anymore; also, everyone keeps taunting you that it’s just laziness or that time of the month, but it’s not that simple — is it?
This time, it’s not laziness or the will to not do anything; it’s the will to do but still seeing everything fall apart in front of your eyes shortly after. Isn’t it procrastination, and hence quite normal, by dictionary’s definition? Let me answer that for you — No! It’s far worse than some random thought of desperation or negativity, and yes, it might not be a deep dark depression per se, but it certainly is the start of the end, I suppose.
You wonder why doesn’t this hurting stop, why does it keep getting worse and worse every step of the way? The little hope that you somehow gain, the power to conjure, trying to crawl back up towards positivity, all of it gets taken away by yet another failure, leaving you in a position far worse than the beginning. This baggage of thoughts always leaves you on mute. You want to let it all go, to be understood and not misjudged as just some whiny little attention seeker. You want to speak it all out even if you don’t have words to express; all you wish for is to speak until it goes away, until you feel alive again and not dead within.